if I am elected president, I promise to pack the calendar
[pounding on table] MORE! DAYS! OFF!
It’s my favorite season! Decorative Gourd Season? Spooky Season? Christian Girl Autumn? Yes, all of those, but also: it’s the Federal Holiday Season! From September through February, we have at least one federal holiday a month. November and January have two each. When there’s a presidential inauguration, DC-area federal employees sometimes get the day off to cut down on traffic, which brings the total to three. I love it. It’s the best season. I live for the federal holiday season, when I am 60% less tired and cranky than the rest of the year, even with Christmas prep and now the start of school and an added miasma of angst floating around the very idea of holiday travel. From September through February, I am almost well-rested and content. I have time to fix the sink.
Then, after Washington’s Birthday (you may know it as “Presidents’ Day” but this is what it’s called in the United States Code, sorry Lincoln), we enter a holiday drought that lasts until the end of May. Then we have to work all the way through June. After Independence Day, we slog through the rest of July and all of August uninterrupted. It’s disgusting, honestly. Did you know that medieval peasants got a third of the year off? Just because it was Roodmas or because Gareth the Blockhead and Tall Clothilde got married or whatever. We work more than they did, and we still have plagues. Lots of Americans don’t even get all the federal holidays off, which is even more disgusting. Let’s take things seriously: a federal holiday should mean that everything is closed. If your workplace literally can’t close, you get time-and-a-half.
Obviously we should add Juneteenth to the federal holiday calendar for its historical significance, and let’s replace Columbus Day with Cabrini Day, but then we should just go ahead and keep adding more and more holidays until there’s one in every month of the year, at least.
My proposal is below, but I am broad-minded and open to suggestions.
March 2nd, National Read Across America Day: You get to read something because you want to read it, not because your boss made you
April 30th, National Honesty Day: Let’s be honest, we all want a day off
August 15th, The Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary
Since Christmas is a federal holiday, let’s add Yom Kippur, Rosh Hashanah, and Eid al-Fitr to the list. Also National Apple Pie Day (May 13th) because come on, what country is this supposed to be? Arbor Day (last Friday in April) should be a day off, because you can’t plant a tree if you’re stuck at work (unless your job is Tree Planter, in which case you get time-and-a-half, as stated above). Also the day after St. Patrick’s Day. Also the first day of spring, the first day of summer, the first day of fall, and the first day of winter. Also Chinese New Year. Also Hallowe’en. Also the sitting president’s birthday, just for fun. Also Fridays.
Implementing this sort of holiday schedule would make us a happier, more well-adjusted people. It would help solve our national loneliness problem by giving us time to actually hang out with each other. Haters might say this would be bad for the mattress industry because they’d have to have too many sales, but haters would be wrong, because the mattress stores will all be closed. People will buy more mattresses on other days, because we’ll have more time to nap. Everyone will be less grumpy. Our immune systems will be stronger. There will be more trees. Influencers who post about #nodaysoff will finally chill out and become normal.
This has been The Saucer. I hope you have the day off, and I hope you get to spend it doing something you enjoy with people you love. I also hope you tell them to subscribe to my blog, which is basically like voting for my platform.